Thursday, August 4, 2011

Who Wants Mustard?

I hope this post cuts the mustard. That's an odd expression, isn't it? Well, thanks to "the Internet," we don't have to wonder about it. From Wiktionary, whatever the hell that is -

Etymology

  • Probably from likening the pungency of the spice mustard as a superlative or as something that adds zest to a situation.
  • Possibly derived from the idiom 'to pass muster', an expression for assembling military troops for inspection.

[edit] Verb

to cut the mustard (third-person singular simple present cuts the mustard, present participle cutting the mustard, simple past and past participle cut the mustard)
  1. (idiomatic) To suffice; to be good or effective enough.
    Give me the bigger hammer. This little one just doesn't cut the mustard.

Point is, it's National Mustard Day on Saturday! Yaaaay! Oh joy of joys. Good thing you checked out Eat It, Miami or you might have missed out on all of the great Mustard Day festivities going on, well, everywhere!

People are gonna be putting mustard on crazy things like mint chocolate chip ice cream and filet mignon. They're gonna put it inside their shoes, just to squish around in it.

Anyone you see wearing yellow on Saturday - total Mustardaholic! You'd better go up to them and give them the National Mustard Day salute! You hold your hand up like you'd salute in the military, only you stick out your tongue and go PPPPPFFFFFFFFFFSSSSSSSSSSSSLLLLLTTTTTTTT, like the sound it makes when you pour mustard out of a plastic squeeze bottle. It's most festive when you do the mustard salute right up close to the other person's face.

In case you forgot what your favorite brand of mustard is, it's National Deli Mustard. If you've never heard of it, you're just not as cool as I thought you were. You should probably move to cheesy Broward County and eat French's while you pump your fist in your Affliction t-shirt.

Wanna be reminded what a snazzy National Deli Mustard display will look like at your local grocery store?
 "NO COLIN, I WANT TO SEE AN EXTREME CLOSE-UP OF THIS MUSTARD!"
OK, you asked for it -
So, Broward County-dwelling, Affliction t-shirt wearer, I think I've convinced you to put National Deli Mustard on your mint chocolate chip ice cream on National Mustard Day, but if you're a wittle bit scared, why don't you go with something a little more conventional. Like this enormous hot dog with all of the fixin's.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

this post made me laugh. good stuff colin

Colin said...

Thanks, Anonymous. You say the sweetest things.

Colin said...

This comment was much nicer than that time you scolded me for my Bin Laden poem.