Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Mmm, Bacon

Being a highly influential food blogger is a responsibility I shoulder with great pride. I'm kind of like a super hero.

But the job is not without its perks. I get invited to pretty cool events fairly regularly (like judging a cooking competition at the Cordon Bleu, amazing) and for some strange reason, I am now a credible, albeit somewhat anonymous, voice in the Miami restaurant scene. It's not like people would recognize me at a restaurant, because if they did, they wouldn't provide such terrible goddamned service, like the last time my girlfriend and I went to Balans in Mary Brickell Village and the waiter, who declined to write down our order, never brought our salad and forgot to put bacon on my US1 Burger. I was trying to be easy going about it, as one must be in the 305, lest one be driven mad by the pitiful service we are forced to endure at most area eateries. But this got me pissed off as I sat thinking about it. Either write that sh*t down and get my order correct, or don't freaking forget it. You're such a big shot that you don't write it down? Ok. Then don't f***ing forget the order, ok? Those are your choices. Forgetting and then apologizing doesn't really fix the situation. Ok? When people spend their hard-earned money at a restaurant, the least the server can do is to bring the food that the customer has ordered. Simply forgetting is unacceptable.

Back to bacon. That's a fun game. "Back to Bacon" a.k.a. "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" (sounds lame and lacks the alliteration of the former) is where you come up with an actor's name and you see how quickly you can figure out a movie that the actor or costar of that actor has been in with Kevin Bacon. Example: Christian Bale.

-Christian Bale was in American Psycho with Willem Dafoe
-Willem Dafoe was in Clear and Present Danger with Harrison Ford
-Harrison Ford was in Sabrina with Greg Kinnear
-Greg Kinnear was in As Good as It Gets with Jack Nicholson
-Jack Nicholson was in A Few Good Men with Kevin Bacon

That was fun. You can probably just type it into some internet thingy. Let's try.

Ok, the internet is better at the game than I am. Christian Bale was in Batman Begins with Sarah Wateridge, someone so unfamous that there isn't even a photo of her on IMDB. Sarah Wateridge was in Where the Truth Lies, a movie that undoubtedly went straight to DVD, with Kevin Bacon. That title doesn't even make any sense.

And it wasn't nearly as much fun. See, that's the difference between using one's brain and just going to the internet for the easy, boring answer. I relived all of those movies as I wracked my brain for the answer. That life lesson's on me.

So, back to bacon. That makes me want to play again, but I'll be disciplined and address the task at hand, which is to tell you about an exciting new bacon product. I started this like 2 months ago, but since I am unable to keep the rent paid with this little gig here, I have other things that take priority and I often leave my posts unfinished, as amazing as they are. It's sad to think that some of my work languishes in the Purgatory that is "Drafts."

The product...is...

BaconAir

Ok, so if you click that link, you'll see that it goes not to a webpage where you may buy a product called BaconAir, but to the website of the dudes who emailed me about BaconAir. I must assume that I waited so long to tell you about it that the product is no longer being offered by J&D's. If only I had posted this sooner, we may have saved BaconAir. Instead, you'll have to be amused with the bacon-flavored envelopes called Mmmvelopes.

America is a great country. One in which bacon is delivered to the populace through various media. May God bless this bacon-obsessed country.

3 comments:

Colin said...

Thanks to @Chef BoyarAndy for pointing out that, not only did I mistakenly write "Jack Nicholas" instead of "Jack Nicholson," but I also misspelled the golfer's name (Niklaus). Yikes. #mybad

SOH said...

I would've gone with Bale was in Batman Begins with Gary Oldman who was in Murder in the First with Kevin Bacon. What say you?

Colin said...

Damn, SOH, you have bested me once again. I still have a mental age though, little bro.