Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Extra! Extra! Read All About It!

As I've said before, my readership is vast, and so I wield a mighty pen whose inkwell is literally filled with influence from which powerful prose flows like the beer that flows like wine in Aspen. Except that I type my reviews with a keyboard, so that's just a metaphor.

And so it is with great fanfare that I announce to you that some production company I've never heard of wrote to me to announce a new reality show that sounds like a very narrow version of The Apprentice, and whose title is fortunately categorized as "working." Because it needs a lot of work.

United Plates of America sounds like, uh...huh? What do you think of when you hear that title? Stare off in the distance for like 10 seconds and picture it. Now I'll tell you what it is -

Do you have an idea for America’s next great restaurant? Are you sitting on a billion dollar concept? If you think your restaurant idea has what it takes to go national and bring in millions of hungry Americans, read on...

From NBC and Magical Elves, the Emmy Award-nominated producers of "Project Runway" and "Top Chef," comes a big-event competition that will award one contestant the opportunity to see their idea turned into reality with a new restaurant chain opened in four cities across America! The contestants' fate will be decided by a panel of some of the most important names in both the dining and business worlds that will invest their own money in the final restaurant chain and have a huge stake in the ongoing success of the game's winner.

The show sounds pretty cool, as a matter of fact. Hey yous guys who started cheesme, I'm looking at you. You should, like, totally apply, though the application is 20 pages and cheesme's chef told me that anyone who ends up on a reality show is not a real chef and is more concerned with fame than preparing delicious food. Hey, that's America, baby!

More info can be found here.

On a side note, I typed the show's working title into Google News and this article popped up in the search results. It's obnoxious, condescending, witty and accurate, all at the same time, and written by the editor of GQ, a Brit.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Eat It - Lost & Found Saloon, 185 NW 36th St, Miami, FL (305)576-1008

Hmm, where are my notes from my dinner at Lost & Found? I could swear they were somewhere on my desk, but it's cluttered with paperwork. I seem to have LOST them. Oh wait, here they are. I FOUND them.

That's seriously how I'm starting this review? Yes. Yes it is.

I didn't know this place existed until recently, probably because I usually spend about half a block on 36th Street before I turn onto Biscayne. When I do venture further, it's to get to Target and I don't really look around. I didn't think there was anything worth looking for and that's not the spot where I go for prostitutes. I prefer NoBe hos. I'd like to think that's what they call 'em around 79th Street.

L&F is pretty popular, it seems to me. We had to wait for a table and there were some regulars next to us at the bar who ordered the most beautiful nachos I've ever seen, and were eager to talk about what seems to be their favorite place. They told me that they go to L&F every Sunday...and it was Friday.

Said nachos cost $8.25, and much the way there are add-ons at ice cream shops, L&F has those for their menu items, but instead of Heath Bars and Reece's Pieces, they have Pulled Pork and Grilled Marinated "Portabello" Mushrooms. I think it's supposed to be "Portobello" or "Portabella." Whatever. I like seeing typos and grammar mistakes because they make me feel smart. Anyway, add-ons for the nachos are $4 and holy cow, it would be plenty of food for an entire meal, I assure you. The add-on price varies depending on the dish.

While waiting for our table we ordered a half rack of ribs. Truly excellent and we wished we had ordered a full one, though we would then not be as hungry for/satisfied by our main courses. We all ordered various versions of the tacos, which are delicious.

They carry some good, interesting beers. There's a blueberry one that reminds me of one of my favorites in Boston, Boston Beer Works' blueberry beer that has floating blueberries in it. They're both delish. The one at Lost & Found is called Sea Dog and they just love it when you order by squinting one eye and going "Yar, Serving Wench! I'll have me a Sea Dog." If you actually did that, they would probably just stare at you. I think the people who work there smoke tons of pot. You can tell because they wear flannel shirts and dark rimmed glasses. And also because the service is awful.

So, we come to the imperfect nature of Lost & Found Saloon. The food and beers are excellent, but it took a really long time for someone to take our drink order at the bar and then our main dishes came out over the course of 45 minutes. Seriously. The first of the three diners was finished eating (we insisted that he start) before the third and final one of us was even served.  Plus, even though our server assured us that she would remember our varying meat and tortilla choices and didn't write our order down, she messed them up. That's just stupid and unprofessional.

That is some seriously abysmal service. I don't know what the excuse is, but that's something they need to rectify if they expect to be a successful restaurant. I'll have to go back and FIND out if they've LOST that nasty aspect of the dining experience. Now that I've written this down, I'm actually feeling irritated about it. Maybe I don't want to go back. No, yes I do.


Friday, February 5, 2010

50 McNuggets for $9.99

Oh boy, from 2/5 to 2/7, noon to midnight, you can get 50 McDonald's McNuggets for $9.99. That is one hell of a deal. I'm expecting families to be eating nothing but, all weekend.