Contest Time!

 We've been spoiled by popchips before. We tweeted like all about it and stuff. So you should know about them. Plus, our readers are sophisticated gourmands who keep up on all of the latest trends. Like when people were making foam out of stuff. Our readers did that a long time ago. All kinds of foams.

So, popchips are these way less unhealthy potato chips that aren't fried (0g of saturated or trans fat!). They aren't even baked. So how do they cook 'em? Duh, it's right in the name. They pop them.

Not only that, but they have lots of great flavors like your usual barbecue and sour cream & onion, but also crazy chip flavors you've never had like jalapeño and parmesan & garlic and now...they have introduced...sweet potato chips. That is PDE (pretty darn exciting), if you ask us.

So here's what we're going to do, dear readers. We're going to have a contest to come up with another great flavor idea. And we'll send my favorite on to the good people at popchips, and even though they might ignore us and not actually make the flavor we suggest to them, they will give the lucky winner of our hypothetical new flavor contest a big ol' box of popchips. So, let's come up with some, shall we?

To get your creative juices flowing, here's a photo of me eating popchips after a long day of saving orphans' sight and treating burn victims and also puppies. Oh wait, is that Patrick Dempsey? Oh, my bad. People are always confusing us. It's SO annoying. I have way fewer grey hairs in my beard.

Put your flavor suggestions right in the comments section, por favor.

Don't Eat It - Hogzilla's Inspired Barbecue, 1555 Washington Ave, Miami Beach, FL (305)538-7201

Smoked Duck Breast with Cornbread Pancakes, Sweet Potater Tots and, Uh, More Cornbread

So...this one started out as an "Eat It" review in the back-and-forth style made famous by our review of 8 Oz. Burger Bar. This is how it began -

Colin: So...what'd you think [of Hogzilla's], Chef BoyarAndy?

Chef BoyarAndy:  I had high hopes coming in Colin...which normally sets you up for a let down.  Not this time though.  It was all I hoped it would be.  Kinda like the first time I had Pappy Van Winkle bourbon or the first time I saw Boden dance.  Did you have a favorite dish?

Colin: I think I have your football in the back of the CCTV (Country Club Tailgating Vehicle, which we had driven to Dolphins game), btw. My car smells funny today. Shouldn't the restaurant just be called "Hogzilla"? I don't like that it's possessive. It's not owned by Hogzilla. I wasn't terribly hungry by the time we arrived at dinner since I'd eaten a decent amount of appetizers over at our warm-up at Chophouse, though that didn't stop me from trying most things we ordered as well as wanting to try several desserts. I'm also getting very hungry thinking back on the meal.  I loved the cornbread with maple butter. The pterodactyl wings were just a little spicy, crispy and delicious, though somewhat standard fare. The sweet potater tots were a fun surprise. I'd get those again. I wasn't crazy about the pork belly chicharrones (misspelled "chicharonnes" on the menu, btw). They were very fatty and gristly and just aren't necessary when you're eating pulled pork and greasy sausage and stuff. The service was excellent. The owner stopped by several times to make sure we were enjoying ourselves. I probably liked the beer can chicken the most. I could eat the redneck tacos with beer can chicken like every day for a month probably.

But then Chef BoyarAndy checked his receipt from the night, and all hell broke loose...

We present to you, Chef BoyarAndy's "Don't Eat It" review of Hogzilla's -

www.hogzillas.com

Disgust.  Anger.  Loathing.  Revulsion.

None of these have a place in describing the food at Hogzilla's.  The food was tasty, creative, well-executed and memorable.

They do have a place in describing my feeling toward the restaurant after a close inspection of my bill. 

$2 for "rocks?"  $2 FOR ROCKS??? 

Any bourbon drinker will tell you that cheap bourbon is for mixing at college football games, good bourbon is excellent over ice and Pappy Van Winkle only touches the glass and your tongue.  The words "Woodford on the rocks, please" come out of my mouth multiple times on any given weekend.  Never have I had a bar or restaurant add a charge for ice.  Notice they did it again on the Patron shots that my buddies visiting from DC had for dessert. Yes, they drink tequila for dessert.

I'm sure somebody out there is thinking "they could just charge you $14 and you'd have never known".  Not true...$11-$12 is the going rate for Woodford Reserve...it is $12 at Yardbird and Smith & Wollensky and $11 at Chophouse Miami.

I'm mad.  I'm mad that I feel taken advantage of. I'm mad that I can't give them an "Eat It" recommendation based on their food alone.  I'm mad that a BBQ joint with a "not on South Beach" feel to it does something so shady.

Maybe somebody at Hogzilla's will see this and change their policy...I truly hope so.

Until then...go to Yardbird.

P.S. Math tends to put things into perspective.  My local mini-mart will sell you three 10lb bags of ice for $5.  So for the $10 I spent on "rocks" I could have purchased 60lbs of ice.

You could also look at it this way...they are charging you $8 per ounce for the bourbon, since their "rocks" charge is 1/6 of the bourbon charge that makes their ice $1.33 per ounce.  That same 60lbs of ice we purchased earlier for $10?  Hogzilla's just charged you $1280.00.

Frugal Dad

Frugal dads and frugal moms alike should check out our new sponsor, http://frugaldad.com/. Even if you have no kids at all, you should visit, since if you save a bunch of money with FD, then maybe you'll be able to afford the expensive little brats, and therefore replace our rapidly retiring workforce that demands dearer and dearer benefits lavished upon them. They did save us from the Nazis and invent MTV, so we sort of owe it to them.

What's on Frugal Dad? Coupons, deals, advice. There's lots of good stuff.

Remember the Frugal Gourmet? I really liked that guy. I wonder what happened to him. Oh, he died at age 65. This post got depressing. But at least I related it to food, right? Right?

I'm hungry.

Eat It - Berries in the Grove, 2884 SW 27th Avenue, Miami, FL (305) 448-2111

www.berriesinthegrove.com

Last night after doing some shopping at Dadeland Mall, a place that makes me want to kill myself many times over, my girlfriend and I decided to take US-1 back to our place downtown and figure out something for dinner along the way. I kind of wanted to go to Flannigan's since it's quick and cheap, but she didn't because it doesn't exactly serve the most healthful food and she's a health nut.

Back to the shopping topic. I miss the mid-90s when I'd visit Florida from my boarding school and there was lots to do but not the ridiculous amount of traffic and obnoxiousness that abound in 2011. It seems to be getting worse in many regards. I remember even during my college years when Aventura Mall was a pleasant place to visit, and not at all a hassle. I can't really deal with that craziness more than once a year now. I have come to do most shopping on line, a practice I scorned only 2 years ago.

Same goes for going out. I stick mainly to dive bars since night clubs are now totally outrageous rip-off joints designed to host the super wealthy Russian or the moronic 24 year-old who thinks you have to buy bottles to get chicks. Sigh...

So, dinner on Sunday. Since I know that my girlfriend loves Berries, right around the corner from the Flannigan's in the Grove, I asked if she wanted to go there. I'd also never eaten there and wanted to try it. Since Berries is one of her favorite places and she's eaten there a hundred times, she was shocked to learn I'd never been there.

We were immediately greeted by the warm, friendly, and talkative hostess. She also could not believe I'd never been to Berries.

Our waiter must be the best waiter in the entire state. Derrick. Ask for him if you go there. He got us drinks the second we sat down and kept our water glasses full the entire meal. This is a very easy and cheap way to make your customers happy. Please take note, restaurant owners, managers, and waitstaff.

We ordered the pasta special, a delicious ravioli with truffle oil, arugula, and a dollop of ricotta on top. The ricotta provides a refreshing, cool contrast to the hot pasta and sauce. This can be easily done when cooking at home. I highly recommend it. $18 seemed a little pricey for the portion that came out to the table, but it turned out to be plenty of food. They might consider plating it in a bowl rather than a flat plate so it looks like more food.

We also got the Pollo Al Curry (Chicken Curry). That's how it appears on the menu. I wouldn't translate it since, if you live in South Florida and couldn't read that, I don't know how you survive. The Pollo Al Curry is a solid dish. Chunks of white meat in a mild curry sauce with jasmine rice, peppers and a fantastic chutney of apple, pineapple, and mango. That one costs $16.50.

We were surprised to see so many people drinking on a Sunday night. There were chicks doing shots at the bar! That sh*t cray. Maybe it was in honor of the Heat's drubbing of Orlando. Anyhoo, since we didn't drink alcohol, we got out of there for about $50 all in. Pretty good meal in a lovely atmosphere. The restaurant has mostly outdoor seating and has surprisingly little noise considering it's located on SW27th Street, a main route to the center of Coconut Grove. But you probably know all of this since you've been there before.

Do It - Art Basel, Miami, Not Basel, Switzerland

So, we're bougie and get tickets to Vernissage, along with the other 15,000 super VIP Miami residents who attend the annual sneak peak at Art Basel, the world's largest contemporary art fair.

If you're in the market for a large canvas covered in pencil scribbles or maybe a bunch of photos of homeless people's butt cracks scattered on the floor and covered in agave nectar, and you have a gazillion dollars or so to drop on one of those masterpieces, then Art Basel is your man, er, place.

I actually love most of the contemporary crap, but it doesn't mean I won't make fun of it.

This isn't a restaurant review, but we've gone over how you can go start your own blog if you don't like what we put here. Please don't though. There's already too much competition for everyone's precious, precious free time, and I don't need my readers to be distracted by some new hip thing you start. Good, it's settled.

Things we noticed at Art Basel this year -

They seem to be much stricter about the capacity, about half an hour into the event, since they were allowing people to enter only when some had left, kind of like we were waiting to get into Buck 15 on a busy night. An aggressive mom tried running us over with her baby's stroller.

Woh! So many people with facelifts. Like at least 50.

Christian Slater.

After spotting him, we heard several couples chatting about how they'd seen Christian Slater. We wondered if maybe he was flattered to still be noticed, since all he does these days is those Autotrader commercial voiceovers. That's Christian Slater?! Sure is.

We were noticing that one small gallery booth seemed to have something in the neighborhood of $100 million in art, having among their pieces several Picassos, Miros and Matisses. That led us to wonder how much all of the art in just the convention center must be worth. It's gotta be billions of dollars. How does one insure all of that? Surely, a catastrophic fire would cause irreparable financial harm as well as cause great losses to the art world and humanity at large. We are reminded year after year when Art Basel comes around that art is the most important thing in the world.

So, as pretentious as everyone acts at the events and how bad the traffic is, it's all worth it. You should go.

*Please go buy something from my cousin, Lowell Boyers. His stuff is totally awesome. He's exhibiting at Pulse in Wynwood's Ice Palace.

Also, I thought this was a nice message -

Ketchup Poll Results Are In!

Our polls are important tools for gauging public opinion about stuff that's not related to the presidential race.

Fancy ketchup has edged out regular ketchup with 55% of the vote. Is that a mandate to rule the condiment station? Let me be clear and make no mistake.

I don't know.

It probably says something about how the rich are getting richer, so fewer people are in the socioeconomic stratum that demands fancy ketchup.

But we're finally adding a new poll. Please check the right hand side of the blog and make your choice.

Watch It - The Throne

That sh*t really was cray.

We were fortunate enough to attend the highly anticipated Jay-Z and Kanye concert at the Bank Atlantic Center in Sunrise, FL. We bought our tickets before the Miami show was announced, but after listening to Kanye strain his vocal chords all night, we won't be surprised if tomorrow night's show gets cancelled. T'would be a shame, but we've gotta warn a brother. Might not happen.

Our favorite stuff that happened at the concert -

As loyal Lexus owners, not only did we take the I-95 "Lexus Lane" up to the concert venue, but we love the Bank Atlantic, since parking is free for Lexus owners, because they're a major sponsor of the arena. There's a special Lexus lot, but it was full when we arrived, so we just parked with all of the non-Lexuses. Don't worry, we parked next to a Range Rover and right near a white Ferrari that was parked in a handicapped spot.

Upon entering Bank Atlantic, we immediately noticed that many people dressed in all black everything. Like us -

Well, all black mostly everything, at least. Surprised to break out the Rambo boots again so soon. They were a good purchase, it turns out.

Sitting next to us, in the nosebleeds as you can tell from the first photo, was a really, really old couple. They were at least in their 70s. I don't know if they were chaperoning their grand kids or what, but they were old. So old.

Jay-Z asked us if we were having a good time "thus far". That's bourgie ("boo-zhee").

Kanye's leather Roman centurion skirt. I actually like his style for the most part, but he certainly looks like a clown sometimes. And tonight he looked ridiculous, especially when compared to Jay's effortless style. Kanye sported a seriously satanic goat Baphomet t-shirt (this). I don't know what the deal is with all of that Masonic devil worshipping stuff from a guy who claims he's never going to Hell since he made "Jesus Walks". Whatever, dudes. Make that money. You're not brainwashing me. I'm not throwing my diamond in the sky. Sorry. Love your music though.

The show was incredible. Amazing lights and stage. Energetic and enthusiastic performances from both rappers. They really looked like they were having a great time up there. Jay continues to impress me with how easy he makes it look. Never a mistake. Never straining himself too hard.

Highlight of the night was 99 Problems. Spectacular. If this show is coming to your town, we highly recommend that you buy yourself a ticket.

8 Oz. Burger Bar Radical New Review Format!

www.8OZBURGERBARMIAMI.COM


Jeez, you don't have to shout the URL, dudes.


8 oz. Burger Bar is located at 1080 Alton Rd, Miami Beach, FL. Phone number: (305)397-8246.


We're taking this one in a different direction. We don't want to get stale. Staleness is not an adjective one wants associated with food-based blogs. So here we go, in the conversational format suggested by Chef BoyarAndy -


Colin: Yo Andy! I heard you went too 8 oz! (Andy: I feel like you're testing my ability to spot grammatical errors here) - Colin: This was the fault of my goddamned Blackberry. It has a problem called "stuttering". I press a key and it types several of the letter. Yaar, it's driving me nuts (you ever hear that joke about the pirate with the steering wheel in his pants?).


Andy:  Why hello Colin.  As a matter of fact I sat beside you.  Was your meal as memorable as my company?


Colin: I'm pretty sure I would remember having eaten there with you, but I may have still been under the influence of the Joose I drank the night before. That stuff makes Four Loko seem like a Bartles & Jaymes wine cooler. You remember those?


Andy:  Remember them?  Hell I starred in two of them in 1986.  I paid for my dinner at 8 oz with two of my royalty checks.

Colin: Oooh, la dee da. Royalty. I suppose that was why you were eating your short rib grilled cheese with your pinkies out.

Andy:  You really were under the influence.  I had the Keg Burger:  House blend of tri tip, sirloin, short rib and chuck, onion rings, "beer cheese", sauteed jalapenos and shredded short rib.  The two toppings I was most looking forward to were the sauteed jalapenos and the shredded short rib.  Sadly, they were also the two that were barely existent.  I counted 3 small jalapeno slices and had to work to even find the short rib.  I was impressed with the amount of beef but c'mon...you can't tease a Bartles & Jaymes man with shredded short rib and jalapenos then use what seemed to be a full head of lettuce and 3 giant onion rings in their place.  You remember those friend pickles we had at least?

Colin: Yes, Andy, I remember the fried pickles. They were quite thick. I could have sworn that everyone at the table ordered the short rib grilled cheese. I must have been enjoying it too much to notice what you were eating, what with the onion marmalade and bel paese cheese. That link goes to cheese.com. Man, the internet is the best. Reminds me of a t-shirt I recently designed, of course. I also had the Wilted Spinach Salad with bacon, onions, and blue cheese balsamic dressing. I've combined those two dressings at home in the past. And I shall do so in the future. Yum! I was tempted to order one of their "Adult Milkshakes," but at $10 a pop, they were a little expensive for my taste. I tried looking those up on line on their fairly cool website, but I couldn't find any beverages besides Dr. Brown's. I should probably look harder. But I won't.

Andy:  See I'm skeptical of those fried pickles.  While they were thick...they were also too uniform and perfect.  Me thinks they were not cut, battered and fried moments before bringing them to us.  Take, for example, B & B just down the street. You know they had just been dipped in batter and fried moments before serving since you'd occasionally get that clump o' pickle that is like 4 pickles thick and has way too much batter on it.  Those imperfections make perfect fried pickles.  We won't even bring up the fact that 8 oz used to serve fried pickle spears...which as any fried pickle connoisseur knows, totally throws off the crucial batter to pickle ratio.  You're leaning toward an "Eat it" recommendation aren't you?

Colin: I hear you, dude. I think Burger & Beer Joint is probably a better over all restaurant and, unless it's a really busy night like, oh, say, Final Four night like it was on Saturday and it's too packed to get a table, then the service is very good (at B&B). The service at 8 oz, in the two instances I've eaten there, has been pretty sub par. They never fill up your water glass at that place! Shouldn't sub par mean really good, since if you shoot below par in golf, you're totally awesome? Still think 8 oz is well worth the trip. I found our dining experience to be lovely, mostly due to the wonderful company of our lively crew, of course, and the deliciousness of the food. Their mayonnaise based secret sauce is sublime. I put it on everything but the salad. Oh, and I didn't put it in my soda. How much do you love mayonnaise-based sauces, AC?

Colin: I wonder what Boden would think of this? He really missed out... 

Boden: This is what I get 2 days after asking what you guys ended up doing???
Andy, you should come over to 3613 for some mayonnaise based sauces and to see the new kitty.

Colin: I guess so. Seems like a pretty awesome answer to me. 

Andy, please stop avoiding mayonnaise-based questions.

Andy:  More like schmooopied out.  I think 8 oz serves a purpose.  I do like the fact that no matter where you are sitting you can see 4 or 5 big LCD TV's tuned to the sporting event du jour.  The same can't be said for B & B.  But that doesn't make up for my $16 mediocre burger and questionable fried pickles no matter how many Magic Hat #9s I drink.  If you want to drink some solid craft brews and be assured of having your game of choice be on a large TV then 8 oz works...other wise go to B & B.

As for the scourge of god (Attila the Hun for you history buffs) known as mayonnaise-based sauces...my thoughts mirror those of Ron Burgundy toward San Diego:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YoKAcVL_phI

Boden: Colin's Scrabble reign of terror is over.

Colin: Yeah, pretty upsetting. You must have beaten some GIRL to accomplish it though. No games we've been playing have finished since the ratings changed. That said, I was getting tired of being at the top for so, so, so, so long. Too much pressure. This really doesn't have that much to do with 8 oz Burger Bar, btw.

Boden: The only games I have played in the last 8 months are with you guys

Colin: Oh, then I take it back. Sorry.


Boden: The best time I had at 8 oz was when I spent the whole day drinking there and playing pool with Ben.  Food is not all that great.  Also, if you haven't been to the B&B in Brickell, you should go because its much larger and nicer than the SoBe one... I think.

***

So there you have it. We all prefer Burger & Beer Joint, but Andy and I like 8 oz, even though the service is bad.


The End.

Oh We Fancy, Huh?

Please note, esteemed readers, that the Ritz-Carlton South Beach is now the official hotel of Eat It, Miami.

"Ladies and gentlemen serving ladies and gentlemen." I've always loved their motto.

Eat It - Front Porch, 1418 Ocean Drive, Miami Beach, FL (305)531-8300

www.frontporchoceandrive.com/

Before this past weekend, I'd neither eaten at, nor even heard of, Front Porch Cafe. Even stranger is that my friends have all gone there a million times. So, I guess they just didn't invite me. It's quite possible that I'm not as adored as I once thought myself to be. Frowny face. (That's funnier than doing this : (  Feel free to steal that.) Maybe they just don't invite me when they want to talk. I seriously can't believe how much I talk sometimes. The words will be streaming out of my mouth and I'll be thinking "stop talking" and I just can't. There is too much stuff racing through my mind and I have to let some of it out. Otherwise, my head might explode and then there'd be gooey brain matter all over everyone's nice new, super-soft v-neck t-shirts and maxi dresses. Maxi dresses are these hot little numbers -

Now, I'm not saying that I'd leave my girlfriend for Carrie Underwood and risk a death-inducing punch to the head by her monstrous hockey player husband, but I'm not not saying that either. Whatever, she drools over PGA golfer Adam Scott any time he's on TV. You know he's like soooo famous since I had to identify him by his profession. If I just wrote Lebron James, you'd have no idea who I was talking about, but if I preface the name with "NBA player," you're all "I know that dude!" Just like Adam Scott. In case you can't TELL, I'm being SARCASTIC. Seriously, my dad's more famous than that dude. Stupid Adam Scott. Whatever.

So, speaking of my beautiful girlfriend, I'm a little bitter since she's been gallivanting around Europe with a bunch of lady golfers from her club, and I have been all by my lonesome for like a week. Not only that, but she's now been to Africa by taking a boat across the straight of Gibraltar to Morocco. If I weren't so insanely jealous, I'd be quite happy for her. I've never been to Africa. Not even once.

Luckily my friends have picked up the slack and kept me company. Though they apparently don't particularly like me, I guess they pity me. So that's something. My friends Jeffrika Bodestrada decided we should have brunch at Front Porch on Sunday on the recommendation of our buddy August, who was born in April. He's like this totally cool dude who goes to Mokai and stuff, so he knows his Miami stuff. I don't mean "Miami stuff" like it sounds. I mean stuff to do in Miami.

Front Porch used to be located in a smaller space, also on Ocean Drive, but now that the old something something restaurant closed down, it now occupies the porch and front floor of the Penguin Hotel maybe? It's either located at 1418 Ocean Drive, according to Google Maps, or 1458 Ocean Drive according to the restaurant website. Sigh, life is so hard some times #firstworldproblems. If you go to Ocean Drive, between 14th and 15th streets, I'm pretty sure you'll stumble upon it.

Though we had a 15-20 minute wait when we arrived, pretty short by Miami Beach brunch spot standards, once we were seated, the service was excellent. Our orders were taken immediately and drinks came in about 1 minute. Our food came out in what seemed to be 5 minutes. We were all surprised by the speedy service, so no matter how long it took, we know it was quick.

I ordered the Beach Breakfast Deluxe, which is the kind of thing I almost always order at brunch. It's a fantastic deal for such a great location. You get 3 eggs, toast, potatoes or tomatoes or fresh fruit or green salad, bacon or ham or sausage, and coffee AND juice for $12.75.

The only thing about which we could complain was that the table was a little crowded for 5 diners. We rectified this by putting a bunch of things on the nearby window ledge. We also proceeded to make "ledge" puns. "Living on the Ledge", "Heath Ledger", etc. Those weren't even the best ones, if you can believe it.

We were in a silly mood. Good times.