Don't Eat It - Anokha, 3324 Virginia St., Coconut Grove, FL 786-552-1030

Oh man, I feel bad saying this, but Anokha is just not very good. I guess if I'm going to be a food critic then I have to be tough on people sometimes, but my heart breaks when I see a business failing and it's hard for me to attack when I haven't been personally insulted.

That is why I love to hate Barton G, a restaurant about which I cannot publicly state my true feelings lest I be slapped with a libel suit (it's "libel" when it's written and "slander" when spoken). As casual as a blog is, you should really be careful about what you write. Anyway, in case you forgot, I hate that place, and the reason is that the staff there went out of its way to make my friends' and my experience there unbearable.

Moving along. Anokha used to be located in a smaller space (though I never ate there) and they've moved off the beaten path in the Grove to a side street. Even though there were probably 6 or 7 tables of people at the restaurant, it seemed empty. It was probably only 1/3 full, I would estimate. There was no hostess and only one waitress who informed us that the wait for main courses would be about 45 minutes. She was harried, understandably, but this made the dining experience less pleasant. One should not feel stressed by the waitstaff when paying for a meal.

They were out of a bunch of stuff, but it wasn't a big deal. We ordered samosas (Indian crab rangoon type appetizers) and some duck egg roll things that didn't taste Indian at all and came with a dipping sauce that did not match the food at all. It was like cocktail sauce with extra ketchup, I think. Wery, wery bad.

Main courses were the unadventurous (though I cannot help but to order them) chicken tikka masala and lamb vindaloo. The chicken was not tikka masala. It was thin chunks (sounds oxymoronic, I know) of chicken with some red sauce. Not creamy and savory like masala. It was dark red. It just wasn't right. The lamb was overly seasoned, in my opinion. The saving grace was the naan. It comes in a bunch of varieties. Raisin and others and it was quite good. The waitress gave us one free, which was a nice gesture considering the wait and lack of certain menu items.

The total, with one glass of wine each, for three was about 120 bucks. That's not bad. The food and atmosphere were just not good and the place seems to be managed poorly, I hate to say it. I wouldn't go back.

I guess I never wrote up a review for Guru on South Beach. Maybe I ate there before I started Eat It, Miami. Anyway, I remember having a wonderful time there and enjoying the food thoroughly. I think I'll go there next time I'm craving Indian and review it then.

Eat It - Joe Allen - 1787 Purdy Ave, Miami Beach, FL 305-531-7007

www.joeallenrestaurant.com

I was unaware until grabbing the restaurant's business card that there are several locations. Turns out that Joe Allen opened in New York in 1965. I had no idea. There are now Joe Allens in New York, London, Paris and Miami Beach. That's a pretty good excuse for the owner to "have" to visit 4 of the greatest cities in the world. You'll never guess where I found out all this information: the Internet.

I don't know if the guy's still alive. If he started the restaurant in 1965 and was like 30 or 40 then, he's 70 or 80 by now. I hope he's still around. He's probably a nice guy. "Hey Joe! How's the restaurant biz?" I could see myself saying that to him as he rode his bike by me. That Joe. Always a smile on his face. Gotta love him. I now have a mental picture of a skinny grey-haired man with a mustache, wearing a Panama hat and a kerchief around his neck, riding an old fashioned bicycle. Not the one with the really big front wheel and the tiny rear one. I mean like the one that Albert Einstein (Walter Matthau) rides in I.Q. Boy, he sure did look like Einstein in that movie.

The food, you ask? Hold your horses. I'm getting to that.

My girlfriend and I arrived about 45 minutes late for our group's reservation since the other two were operating on Miami time while I was, shockingly, ready when I was supposed to be but waited and waited to be picked up. The host politely told us that they thought we weren't coming and had scratched our name off the list but that we should have a drink at the bar while he prepared a table.

We ordered drinks and decided on the bartender-recommended thin crust Margherita pizza as a little appetizer. Mmmm! It was delish. I want one right now. When our table was ready soon after, they told us to proceed to it and that they would grab our drinks and pizza for us. No need to pay the bill-so-far. I thought that was a nice touch. It's annoying to have to settle up. It disrupts the experience of dining out. Don't you think? Well I do, and it's my blog. You may feel free to write your own or leave a comment below. Moving along...

When our friends arrived, we chatted and were unprepared to order the first couple times our waiter came by so it was understandable that we went unattended for a while when we were finally ready to order. It was too long to wait, really, as I looked around the restaurant for help, but it's forgivable.

I ordered meatloaf with broccoli and mashed potatoes. The sides were great but the meatloaf was awful. It didn't taste like meatloaf and had an almost tuna steak consistency. Weird. My girlfriend got skirt steak and that was good, but I mean, I can do that myself at home.

I think a lot of the good stuff on the menu is seafood, so I can't enjoy that anymore. Oh well. I think if you stick to basics, you'll do ok. The prices are reasonable. The pizza was $11.50. The crappy meatloaf was $18.50. That's weird to add 50 cents. I wonder if that's normal. I'm going to pay attention to that now.

The ambiance is nice. Very relaxing. The waiters are friendly. The food comes out very quickly. I also like being on Purdy Ave. It's quiet in a way you can't find easily on Miami Beach. I'll give it another shot and probably order simple stuff. Maybe the bacon cheeseburger. The desserts sound stupendous. You can check out the menu on the website, but I'll give you a couple of them here -

New Orleans Bread Pudding with Bourbon Sauce
Peanut Brittle with Vanilla Ice Cream
Rice Krispies Treat with Butterscotch Sauce and Vanilla Ice Cream
Cherry Cobbler with Whipped Cream

Maybe "stupendous" isn't an appropriate word, but my friend Larry and I are committed to using it more often after reading that Silvio Berlusconi (prime minister of Italy) said he had "stupendous boats".

Oh, I just noticed that the menu says "NO SUBSTITUTIONS PLEASE". Yeah, in ALL CAPS. It's like being yelled at on paper. That's obnoxious, but they did make a substitution of broccoli for french fries with the skirt steak, so at least they don't follow the rule. Typical Miami...

Eat It? - Bocca, 1699 NE 123rd Street, North Miami, FL 305-891-4899

www.boccamiami.com

My friend Kim just opened up a new Italian restaurant and I'm going to certainly check it out. In the interest of full disclosure, I have recused myself from reviewing the restaurant.

I feel bad enough that I hate Barton G so much with a couple of friends having worked there. It's silly, but I hate Barton G so much that I don't like driving by it. I'm sorry I even brought it up. Oh look, it's a steak served on a surfboard! We call it surf steak. Oh how clever! Never mind that the surfboard takes up half the restaurant and the waiter just told you that your tie doesn't match your shirt and your date needs to go on a diet! God I hate that place.

So, go to Bocca. It's certainly not as annoying as Barton G, which I hate.

Eat It - The Cereal Bowl, 1560 South Dixie Hwy, Miami, FL 305-662-2695

www.thecerealbowl.com

4 bucks for a bowl of cereal? 4 bucks for a peanut butter and jelly? It's good, but the prices just don't make sense. I don't know how you'd pay rent without charging that much for your product, but maybe that means the business idea is flawed. I went once. I guess maybe if I were a spoiled, bratty Miami teenager I would go there a lot, but I probably will only have experienced the Cereal Bowl once. I think it's worth trying, and that's why it gets my "Eat It" designation.

Eat It - Piola, 1625 Alton Road, Miami Beach, FL 305-674-1660

www.piola.it

"You've never been to Piola?" - Everyone

Well, wise guys, now I have. Twice in a week, in fact. It's great. You get seated immediately by friendly wait staff and the pizzas come out about 3 minutes after you order them. Capricciosa is one of my favorite pizzas, and Piola's is fantastic. The crust is good enough to eat on it's own, so that makes it doubly infuriating if you dine with one of those non-crust eaters. It is sure to be one of my South Beach staples henceforth. Great place to go for a bite before a movie, since the theater is half a block away and it's not a touristy ripoff the way much of South Beach (and especially Lincoln Rd.) has become. I might have dinner there tonight, in fact.

Don't Eat It - Tropical Chinese, 7991 SW 40th Street, Miami, FL (305)262-7576

Tropical Chinese. "Best dim sum in Miami". That's what everyone tells me, including food loving friends of mine. (I don't like the term "foodie" for some reason. It annoys me, as many things do. I'm insecure. Comes with the territory.) I wrote that in parentheses so it would sound like I was whispering. I hope that worked.

"In Miami" is a big qualifier. You never see Asians here unless they're dating my roommate. I do love Miss Yip's (but it's kind of expensive) and Sum Yum Gai is actually not bad. It's really a takeout place, though. Dim sum is a whole different animal though. Well, the animals they cook are the same [insert Chinese food cat meat joke here], but, you know, it's an expression.

I had lunch with a friend at Tropical Chinese this week and I was disappointed. The main problem is that I have been blessed with many opportunities to travel and have had dim sum in Hong Kong. It's really good over there. Totally worth the 20 hours you have to spend in a plane to get there. Dim sum is also very good in Boston, where I attended college and spent my early working years. If Tropical Chinese is the best around, then there just isn't good dim sum in Miami. Frowny face.

The shu mai were kind of bland and were not warm. Dim sum is supposed to come out piping hot in those bamboo stackable steamer thingies. Is it "thingeys" or "thingies"? Hmmm, maybe the internet will help. The consensus seems to be "thingies" but "thingys" is a close second. Forget "thingeys" altogether. That was a bad call.

The bao (bbq pork in a puffy bun) were just ok, and those are my favorite and was really looking forward to having some. In general, the food was mostly lukewarm and the meat tasted kind of gross. I couldn't try any of the shrimp dim sum (of which there are many) because of this seafood allergy that I have yet to pin down. Reading reviews from a guy who can't eat seafood is probably kind of strange but hey, as Stevie Wonder says, "you gots to work with what you gots to work with".

The service was solid. I enjoyed the Chinesey atmosphere. One of the reviews on Citysearch mentions "crowded" as a pro. I thought that was awesome. I'm realizing I change tense too often and that my English teachers would be disappointed in me. The waitresses who push the carts around also push the customers around. They are selling dim sum, so they try to get you to buy as much as possible. It's smart.

The prices are fair. At the end of lunch, my buddy and I had to throw in $20 each to cover food and tip. I don't really see a reason to go back, but I'm glad I made it there to see what all the fuss was about. I guess that should be "to see about what was all the fuss". I'm remembering that the waiter marked down when my friend ordered another diet coke. That's a pet peeve of mine. They pay about 10 cents for that glass of soda that they're marking up 2000%. They don't need to charge you twice.

I was curious to see what people had written on Citysearch, since we've all heard such good things from others about this place. Most were extremely positive reviews, but three in a row were negative. The first two hit the nail on the head. The third mentions stuff that doesn't apply to my experience, but mentioned that the tea was good, which I'd forgotten, but it's true. The tea really is good. One commenter accused "Philtherealdealbbq" of being a part owner of the restaurants he recommended. People are stupid sometimes. Often.

um.....Forgetaboutit, Tropical is at the best marginal

02/23/2008 Posted by Philtherealdealbbq

For those who have experienced Dim Sum in (real) Chinatowns, ae. San Francisco, Vancouver, New York, Boston,and Montreal, your expectations are obviously lowered due to the fact that the number of ethnic Chinese in the area can`t support a thriving Chinese Food District with streets of world class Chinese Restaurants. That said, and after reading the gushing positive reviews on multiple sites, off we were to Tropical. We had no wait to be seated...just lucky I guess cause a few minutes later quite few people que`d up for a brief wait for a table. Immediate push cart service began (a positive Dim Sum feature) and servers continued weaving their way through the restaurant stopping at every table displaying multiple Dim Sum entrees for purchase. I must say, the selection and friendly servers explained what the appetizers consisted of if it was a item you weren`t sure off. The taste of most of the offerings were at least average and a few were excellent. My issue was that over half of the Dim Sum selections were served at room temperature an not warm/hot whatsoever. This being noon time on Sunday, and with (heated) steam push carts, that should not be the case whatsoever. Mid-week or late afternoon, maybe, but not on a Sunday at 12:00 PM. For those of you that are Dim Sum fanatics, I`m sorry but you`ll have to drive 60 miles north up I95 and head for Palm Beach County. There you will find 3 excellent Chinese Restaurant that really do Dim Sum right! I will list them in no particular order as I found all of them on par with similar offering in Chinatown restaurants. China Dumpling 1899 N. Congress Ave Boynton Beach, FL 33426 561-737-2782 Singing Bamboo 2845 N. Military Trl. West Palm Beach, FL 561-686-9100 Grand Lake 7750 Okeechobee Blvd. West Palm Beach, FL 561-681-1388

Pros: Easy parking, great Dim Sum Selections

Cons: Too many items served room temperature or cool that should have been warm/hot!

overrated dim sum

06/07/2007 Posted by chuquilina

Having lived in both sanfrancisco and nyc, I have known what great dim sum taste like. My family and I have eaten at Tropical Chinese many times and the first time we went, we were very impressed with the dim sum-- by far ,the best we have had in miami. Over the years however, the quality of the dim sum has declined and we are hesitant to go back there again.

worst chinese food ever!

01/09/2007 Posted by aldoug

i heard a lot about this resturant, i have no idea why people get excited for this chinese food in a parking lot in the middle of no where. i've been in many chinese resturants in my life, the most expensive ones and the cheapest ones. first of all this one is not cheap for the portions they serve, second,the food is not even close to be called chinese. what kind of chinese resturant doesnt serve brown rice or sesame chicken? service was horrible, the waiter was very nasty and thats why he didnt get a tip ( an i usually tip at least 20%), i asked for juice and was charged for a cocktail ( so check your bill) and for some reason chicken with mixed vegetables was more onion than vegetables and chicken. i will for sure, save my chinese craving for my trips to new york.

Pros: jasmine tea

Cons: everything else

Don't Eat It - Tokyo Bowl, 12290 Biscayne Blvd, North Miami, FL 305-892-9400

Uh, if you look this place up online, most of the reviews are positive. I frankly don't understand how that's possible. The place totally sucks.

I had to stop at Costco last week and as I was approaching the intersection of Biscayne and 123rd, I saw Tokyo Bowl for like the 178th time in my life, always wanting to try it out, especially since living in Tokyo for half a year after finishing college. I have been on a kick of doing things about which I have thought "oh, that really interests me; I should really go/do that". I stopped by Cape Canaveral in September on the way back from Orlando, so even though I didn't see a shuttle launch, I did see the site and the spectacular Cape. I missed Friday's rescheduled launch after planning on seeing it in October. I'm getting way off topic, but remember astronaut ice cream? That's fun.

Upon entering the restaurant, I made a note to self: hostess sitting at table reading newspaper is bad sign. The place was practically empty but it was late in the day to be lunching. It also reminded me of similar places in Tokyo where there is no clientele and you wonder how the place stays in business. It was depressing in a harakiri-inducing way, but at the same time comforting because it transported me back to my fascinating, but sometimes melancholy stay in the Land of the Rising Sun (Japan, silly).

Well, that hostess that had been sitting and reading took my order quickly. I ordered a Coke to drink, some miso soup, a curry rice bowl, and had a question about the gyoza. They were listed in the Noodle Bowl section of the menu. So I asked, "the gyoza come on noodles?". She said "no, appetizer". Well, that makes sense.

The food came quickly. The Coke was huge! The gyoza were soggy and terrible. The worst I have either seen or tasted. I had really been looking forward to those gyoza so that was pretty disappointing.

The miso soup looked kind of gross. Well, it did not surprise and it tasted gross, too! I even felt slightly sick to my stomach after downing the bowl. I was really hungry though, so I was able to wolf it down.

My main course is one of my favorite Japanese staples. Curry rice or "kari raisu" is something you can find all over Japan. They make this delicious thick brown curry with carrots, onions, potatoes and other veggies, served with sticky rice and sometimes crispy pork cutlets. My stomach is growling now just thinking about it. Well, at Tokyo Bowl, they have one with chicken. But it's a bunch of stir fry type pieces with tendons and fat on them over rice with huge chunks of raw onion and alternating hot and cold ingredients. Some of it was just warmed up better than the rest. On top of it, they drizzle about a tablespoon of curry sauce. Wow, that economy sure sucks. Or maybe it's just the restaurant.

I actually felt sorry for the place and its employees, unlike, oh, say, maybe Barton G, a place in which I dearly hope never to set foot for the rest of my life. I really hate Barton G and everything it stands for. If you like it, then you probably thought Twister was a good movie. I'm not saying that you're necessarily a bad person, but you're probably going to spend at the very least some extra time in Purgatory.

At Tokyo Bowl they were nice at least and kept checking on me. I just nodded and said neither something positive nor negative, all the while making little notes on my Blackberry. I even texted my good friend James to tell him I had a good scathing review to write. He wrote that he was concerned that I liked every restaurant at which I ate. He then wrote "LOL OMG : D". He's like a teenage girl with that thing.

Before the bill came, I ran off to the restroom where I found the conditions to be ok, but not welcoming. The soap was in a ketchup bottle. That was kind of sad in a "here comes the Depression" kind of way.

A funny note about Tokyo Bowl is that they play old fashioned music like the owner is stuck in the year he opened the place. Maybe that was around the time they were voted "Best Japanese Restaurant" by City Link in 1998. 1998! Ha ha ha. That's really funny. That was printed on the menus. Again, in a sad way.

Alas, there is a glimmer of hope. The prices are amazing. My huge Coke was $1. The grand total was $11.20 with tax. It still sucks, but at least it's cheap.

Great Word of the Day

Today's word of the day from Webster is something that any food lover should know -

umami \oo-MAH-mee\ noun
: a taste sensation that is meaty or savory and is produced by several amino acids and nucleotides (as glutamate and aspartate)

Example sentence:
"Vegetarian dishes are usually difficult to meld with big red wines unless the dish includes umami, from ingredients such as intensely flavored mushrooms…." (The San Francisco Chronicle, August 22, 2008)

Did you know?
A Japanese scientist was the first to discover the savory taste of the amino acid glutamic acid, which was found to occur in soup stocks made with seaweed. This fifth basic taste -- alongside sweet, sour, salty, and bitter -- was named "umami," meaning "savoriness" in Japanese. Umami can be experienced in foods such as mushrooms, anchovies, and mature cheeses, as well as in foods enhanced with monosodium glutamate, or MSG, a sodium salt derived from glutamic acid.

Eat It - World Resource Cafe, 719 Lincoln Rd, Miami Beach, FL 305-535-8987

www.worldresourcecafe.com

-Some of the best service I've ever had on South Beach

-Delicious kanikama mango roll (which had a small enough portion of seafood that I could eat it, though I've developed some sort of allergy and avoided the rest of the sushi that everyone else at the table mmm-ed about)

-Best red curry I've ever had

-Excellent, extremely crispy gyoza

-Donut thingy for dessert was like totally awesome

-Weather was perfect of course on Nov. 4th when we celebrated our friend Elle's birthday

Mmmm, Buttery

My sister-in-law has started her own bakery on South Beach and calls it "Buttery". Here at Eat It, Miami we respect a cool name. More than anything, though, we have enjoyed the delicious treats she regularly bakes for friends and family.

She does these fantastic carrot cake cupcakes and designed her own wedding cake. Talented young woman who also made Buttery's website (with very cool Tufts colors). Sorry, you're going to have to pay for the stuff though. Unless you're a beautiful woman looking to get married. Then there might be some negotiating room...

Yesterday we sampled the cookies that are pictured on the main page of her website and my father said they were the best he'd ever tasted. This is a man who is hard to please.

Get your Halloween orders in soon! -

butterymiami.com

Eat it - Thai House, 1137 Washington Ave., Miami Beach, FL 305-531-4841

thaihousesobe.com

I don't think I had ever eaten Thai food in Miami before a recent meal. My lovely wife Sarah felt like some Pad Thai so we googled "Thai food" in Miami Beach and the reviews that popped up suggested Thai House. I really think that, by now, Blogger, which is owned by Google, should know that "to google" is a verb. The spell checker keeps underlining it.

We almost ordered two Pad Thais (Is that how Pad Thai is pluralized? It might be like RBI or Attorneys General. Maybe Pads Thai.), but instead decided to get one Pad Thai and some red curry with chicken and vegetables, all "para to go". It was delicious and both of us preferred it to the Pad Thai.

Thai House wasn't cheap. For two dishes and tip it was almost $40, just for delivery and no booze, but we got several meals out of it. That was pretty awesome.

I do highly recommend it. We'll have to dine in next time and let you know how it goes.

Eat It - Spiga, 1228 Collins Ave., Miami Beach, FL 305-534-0079

www.spigarestaurant.com

Spiga means "ear" in Italian. Did anyone know that? I knew the word "orecchio" but not the alternative. I think we do pretty well in English with just "ear". I can't even think of a slang word that would be the equivalent of "peepers" for eyes. Jeepers creepers.

Va bene. My brother, sister-in-law and I accompanied our parents to Spiga for their 39th wedding anniversary. Not bad for them. We had been on my mother's birthday about 8 months ago but I seem to have forgotten to write a review. Un peccato da vero. My Italian is rusty. Mi scusi. I think that's all close enough. If you don't know any Italian then you're probably impressed nonetheless. Sweet.

Here's another instance where I'm regretting the fact that I'm a world famous food critic and my readership vast. Spiga has had a fair number of customers during my two outings to the 1200 block of Collins Ave., but it hasn't been busy busy. I'd kind of like to keep it that way. There's not much going on for a couple of blocks around, so you can pretty easily find parking as there's a large lot next door to the hotel in which the restaurant is located. I don't feel like looking up which hotel that is. Mi dispiace. I listed the address in the title.

Service - excellent. Food - excellent. Ambiance - excellent. Prices - most reasonable. Seriously, what is there not to like about this place? They have great pastas and I highly recommend to anyone the Ravioli di Vitello ai Funghi Shitake. It's hard to translate, but that roughly means "veal ravioli with shitake mushrooms". I'm kidding. That's exactly what it means. There is an option to order them "baked with bechamel". Bechamel, as we all know, is one of the mother sauces in French cuisine. Basta cosi. Order it baked with bechamel, per favore. It taste-a veri veri good-a.

I'd like to describe some other dishes but the thought is making me hungry, so I'll go right to dessert. Remember that dessert is spelled with two esses, since you want more of it. We shared the Torta Rustica al Cioccolato and the Italian Ricotta Cheese Cake (I guess there are non-Italian ricotta cheesecakes out there. Who knew?). Both divine. Sublime. Uh, transcendent. Choose your hyperbolic adjective. Point is they were good.

By the way, great place to take a date, I think. Has to be. Maybe you'll want to nibble on one another's spige...

Eat It - Sazón Cuban Cuisine, 7305 Collins Ave., Miami Beach, FL, 305-861-4727

So, I felt a little disloyal going to another Cuban restaurant when I was in the same neighborhood (North Beach) as my absolute favorite (Las Vegas). My uncle John wanted to try it, so he, my dad and I checked it out last night. It's located in the former Panna Cafe space.

After checking some online reviews before heading there, the only complaint I read was that service wasn't great, but that's to be expected from a place that has recently opened (I learned that from my buddy Brian, who moonlights as a nightclub-owning socialite : ). The service last night at Sazón was perfectly adequate, with waitresses using typical terms of endearment such as "amor" and "mi vida". Aww shucks.

The menus have interesting tidbits about Cuba and Cuban cuisine. The restaurant decor is pretty upscale for a Cuban one, and the prices very reasonable. The bathroom has a garbage can with a sensor on it that opens when you wave your hand in front of it. I've never seen that before. Not really sure how that's better than using the bottom of your shoe to step on a pedal, but I'm not an engineer or anything.

So, we ordered some average salads (Cubans are just not good at making them) with avocado and too much watercress. The chicken was juicy and delicious. The picadillo was as good as my mother's (which is excellent). The lechon asado was inferior to Las Vegas', which happens to be the best I've ever had in my life. Beans good, but again, not as good as those at Las Vegas. Maduros, good. Tostones, good, but once again not as good as those at Las Vegas. They make them like the ones at Versailles. They're large and greasy, which many people prefer, pero no yo.

In the end, the only reason I can see going to Sazón over Las Vegas is that it's nicer inside. Oh, and outside. Slightly better foot traffic and people watching. And there's more parking nearby. Ok, that's 3 reasons, but who's counting? Oh, you are? My bad. Where's your sense of loyalty? Quit busting my chops, yous.

Miami Herald Help

The Herald recently published a list of area restaurant specials. Some of them are pretty good.

Don't forget that Miami Spice starts on August 1st (though some restaurants have already begun the deal). It's totally awesome. Lunch is $23 and dinner is $36. It's so freaking hot out; there's gotta be something going on to keep us down here.

Eat It Exclusive!*

I've become privy to some very interesting news. Emeril's is doing a trial run of its Miami Spice prix fixe menu, as you read this. So, if you're around for the next couple of weeks and you want a seriously delicious meal, on the cheap, at Miami's most underrated restaurant, go check out Emeril's at the Loew's Hotel. You will not regret it. It just might be my favorite restaurant in Miami. And you guys know how impeccable my taste is...

*not actually exclusive

Eat It - Rancho Argentino, 1415 Washington Ave., Miami Beach, FL 305-538-7205

www.ranchoargentino.com

We had a little birthday party at Rancho Argentino on Saturday night. Wow. The steak was fantastic. The skirt (churrasco) was the best I've ever had. I actually ordered red snapper because I'm weird and decided to have fish at an Argentine steakhouse. Seriously, that is weird, now that I really think about it. Anyway, the churrasco was 17 bucks for a huge one, and I think that's a pretty good deal. Some people at the table ordered that and others ordered the filet mignon (lomo). Two of the women ordered picana/cuadril. I don't know what that is and I didn't try it, so I can't really say how it was. They seemed to enjoy it and didn't go to the bathroom to throw up or anything. The service was so-so but I've never had good service when eating in a large group like that. There were 12 of us, I think.

Highlight: when I asked for orange soda to go with my Quilmes beer (Argentina's Budweiser, and I like Bud, so all you Argies take no offense), they actually had it. That's the first time I have been to a place with Quilmes that could fulfill my request. People really drank Quilmes like that when I lived in Buenos Aires, but that was '93-'94, so a lot may have changed since then. Maybe people don't like to put orange soda in their Quilmes, for example. Maybe they don't wear their motorcycle helmets on their elbows or have shootings at River-Boca matches. Maybe they drive in the lanes and pronounces "LL" correctly. Who knows?

Eat It - Big Louie's, 1990 E Sunrise Blvd, Ft. Lauderdale, FL 954-467-1166

My buddy Dan and I ate at this particular Big Louie's location after catching a movie at the old fashioned Sunrise Cinemas Gateway theater just down the street. It's probably going to go out of business soon (the theater). I took this photo with my phone, so it's pretty crappy, but I wanted to have some proof of what their famous garlic bread looks like. There's one roll left and everything else is garlic with a dusting (read: avalanche) of Parmesan. I don't understand how restaurants make money.

I ordered a buffalo chicken pizza that was delicious and was cooked to order in about 10 minutes. That was pretty awesome. Dan got chicken parm and I got to try it and it was very good. I'm sorry, James, to have so little about which to complain. I am much happier when I've spent my money on an enjoyable eating experience, though my reviews are less interesting when that happens.

Of note is the fact that the restaurant is open really late. On a Saturday night we were able to order our food just before midnight. It's not fancy, but this Big Louie's had pretty nice atmosphere. It was really clean. The staff was friendly. The service was quick and polite. These are all impressive to people who live in Miami.

The highlight of the night had to be the weird dude who showed up with an extremely young looking prostitute. I'm thinking now that she looked so young it was probably illegal. Hmmm. He really wanted to eat outside, since he probably wanted to do something romantic, so he left when they told him they wouldn't serve him outside. He came back and ate inside eventually. Probably when he realized that nothing else was open.

Eat It - Cafe Prima Pasta, 414 71st Street, Miami Beach, FL 305-867-0106

www.primapasta.com

I just had dinner there with my parents last night, and I can't believe I haven't written a review yet. Prima Pasta is well-known among Miami Beachers, and for good reason. The service and food are excellent, with an eclectic mix of Latin waiters and waitresses hustling around with smiles and epitomizing professionalism. If you put in your time and become a regular, you can look forward to even better service and a fuss made over you by the family who owns it, the lovely Ceas (pronounced "che-a" as they are the not unusual Italo-Argentines). Gerry (Gerardo) is then likely to force a Sambuca down your throat.

We basically order the same thing every time we eat there. We start with a tricolore salad and follow that with the best chicken parmesan you will ever find. Seriously. It's perfect. The piccata is also excellent.

I guess the one drawback is that Prima Pasta is located on 71st Street, but I work on 71st Street, so it's not so bad for me. It's always easy to park (there's a lot and street parking available all around the neighborhood), but there is the minor detail of the halfway houses around the corner. There's more crime on South Beach than around here actually, but this neighborhood is most certainly less glamorous.

SoBeWiFoFe

It starts tomorrow, all you gastronomic, epicurean, wine-loving, gourmet oenophiles. I think it's great that there are all of these celebrity chefs. I mean, why not? People are famous for being famous, snowboarding and streaking major sporting events. Check out the event website -

www.sobewineandfoodfest.com/2008/

Eat It Alert!

So my brother is on his way back from the tailor in Surfside, and he says to himself, he says "I think I'll head over to Bianca's to grab a BBQ Steak Ciabatta". Upon arriving at our favorite Surfside sandwicherie, he is dismayed to find something called Piri Piri in its place. "WHAAAAAAAAAAT?" he says. He calls up his older brother, despondent. His brother reassures him that "there are other places that serve sandwiches". But he knows they're not the same. How could they be? A shadow of his former self, he manages the mile and a half drive back to the office and meekly presses the up arrow on the elevator. To the 4th floor. Lunchless.

Older brother looks up Bianca's number on Eat It, Miami. "What a great site", he thinks to himself. He calls the number, and when someone answers the phone "Piri Piri Cafe?", like he's asking a question, older brother (not big brother, since my little brother is bigger than I am) demands to know in plain language "No offense, but what happened to Bianca's?". The silence is deafening. From the other end of the phone, a pause, a deep breath....

"We're still here. We just changed our name."

Phew.

Bianca's Gourmet Shop is now Piri Piri Cafe.
http://pirigood.com